by S Ali
28th January 2021

Sitting silently in a room full of people, the indistinct sounds of conversation circling my head. I inhale, as if I can take in their words, maybe even find an answer to their endless questions. Their words fill up my lungs, swirling around the thoracic cavity of my chest only to rejoin the atmosphere, already riddled with poison. I talk to no one but my restless mind. Like a throbbing vessel, ready to explode, it screams at me to make an effort, to just this once dominate the conversation like you know you can. Speak and watch their eyes widen, at the voice of an insaniac, the screams of the silenced, the harsh reality of the truth. Eyes full of curiosity scan my presence, as if what they are seeing is truly me, they make assumptions based upon what they perceive, with their faulty, blind eyes. Eyes as empty, and as hollow as their souls. Watching them makes me think of a chess board, the pieces ready, the king, the queen surrounded by their accomplices but there are no players. There's no one to move them, no one to play. I laugh to myself quietly, humored by this analogy my brain has conjured up, in hope to entertain me. I slowly close my eyes, turning my head slightly away from everyone, still so afraid of judgement. 

It's just me in the whole world,  left alone in my psychotic zone. To play games with my own brain, to ask myself whether they see the colours that I see. They ask me why I'm so damn quiet all the time, what am I doing here?, How can I tell them what I feel, what I see. I know they'll never understand, they won't see my light, they won’t want me. Human nature is the desire to understand, to know everything but how can I explain my silence to them, when I do not know what it is myself. Why is everything I feel so amplified, I know that others don't feel this way. Am I crazy? Am I insane? When I'm alone, it's a fantasy world, it is the epitome of bliss, it is me, my world. Words circulate throughout my mind, forming sentences that I wouldn't dare to utter. I feel a darkness, so deep that it feels right, a beast created by all my emotions. Although it is the only thing I do not fear, I want them to know, I want them to see but I don't know how to tell them.



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